Home

I am home. I have left the magnificent Stillwater, and I am in my house with my family. I have finished my first year of college, and I feel old. I feel like my life has flown by at about a million miles per minute. My room is a pit, because apparantly, when you go to college you come back with three times the stuff that you left with. I am going stir crazy already because I have been in my room trying to clean, and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. However, I am home, so it is ok.

Yesterday, I got to pick Josh (my little brother) up from school. We went to wait on my sister, and I watched him play tag with his friends. Have you ever noticed how quickly little games like this evolve? Each second there is something new going on. The "base" changed at least three times, and when fights arose about who was it, everyone screamed "not it". I wish I had realized then how beautiful life is. I think life would have been more full, vibrant, and dynamic. It hurts that only now am I looking back to see how much I took for granted. It is funny how being home gives you a longing for going back to when you took home for granted.

Tonight I went to the first graduation party of this busy year. The young man who we honored is a very special young man to all who have come in contact with him. His life screams kindness and compassion. He is loved by all and respected by many. I can only hope that one day, if God chooses to make it a part of His plan, that can marry a man like the boy we honored. However, while he is an amazing person, honoring him did not make the night for me.

I looked around the room at the people who had made an impact on his life. Most of them were the same people I would have wanted to thank. I can't find the words to express the gravity of the debt I owe to these people. They have formed the way I think. They have loved me in my darkest moments. They have kissed me and rejoiced with me in my brightest days. They have put up with me even though often times I am very difficult to get along with. They have led me. I am so underserving to have these people.

At one point in the night, the men in the room got up and prayed for this young man. While watching these incredible warriors of God stride to pray for one of the godly men of the future, I was struck by the amount of annointing that God had placed on the men in the room. But even more than that, as I prayed with the men and looked around the room, I could not help but look at all of the beautiful, pure, precious women that were there. Their countenaces give them all a sort of peace that comes with living within the role that God has placed for them.

Sometimes I act like I have it all figured out. I struggle with pride every day of my life. I say things, and I wish that I hadn't said them. It is as if I am struggling to prove myself: to show that I am worth listening to. Humility is the hardest virtue for me. I feel as though I have gotten it wrong. I am bossy, self-centered, self-serving, and far to self-righteous. I am not gentle, I am not kind, and I am not submissive. I have such a long way to go before I become like one of these women.

I think that God has mercifully witheld some things that I have desired to help me realize these things. He has given me the grace to have the desire to change. I want to learn gentleness, patience, humility, and peace. He wants me to see that I have nothing to prove, because He has finished everything already. I hope that at some point along the way, these women that I so admire have had to deal with feelings like these.

Seeing all of these amazing people who have poured out their lives for me, makes me feel at home. How wonderful the day will be when we are all in our true home worshipping the eternal King, Father, and Friend with each other.